Sick of feeling antsy and nervous all the damn time. Sick of feeling like my stomach's in knots. Sick of not resting properly, ever. Sick of trying so damn hard to fall asleep. Sick of then, waking up to know that an entire day is ahead of me and I can't live it to the fullest. Sick of repeating this again.
The thing with physical pain is that, there is a certain familiarity. But no matter how long this anxiety thing drags out, it never feels familiar. And when that happens, I can't devise ways to cope with it (unlike when faced with physical pain). What's best is that I don't know whether there's an end to it.
Unfamiliar and uncertain.
the difficulty of erasing memories > the joy that comes with making them
i fear death not because of leaving but because of what i will leave behind— people who i have met in my life having to deal with me leaving just as how i have dealt with people in MY life leaving.
i fear getting close to people because i will have to endure the process of getting over someone's departure. even though i have been proven to be dispensable at many points in my life, there are some people's lives you just won't quit.
and what happens after you leave? all those things they claim so permanent are in fact, so impermanent. in the thick of it all, how much do you miss and how much do you remember?
angstgriefangstgriefangstgriefangstgrief
trusting that there is something better instore for me
which is why it is time to read "and our faces, my heart, as brief as photos"
God, please make everything better.
AND THEN
nothing's more apt with 'standing in the rain' playing in the background.
and this is why i live. seriously.
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